EP Review: Manowar - The Final Battle I

It's not entirely hyperbole to say that Manowar embodies everything that's ever been wrong with heavy metal. It started in the 80s, when they made people think it was acceptable for your image to be that of loin-cloths. It continued by making the glorification of sword-swinging war a standard trope of bone-headed masculinity. The band then became run by an overblown ego who thought Manowar somehow important to the world, when everyone knows they were always laughed at. It kept going when they got to the creatively barren point of their career where they have reissues, remixed, and re-recorded their seminal (how appropriate a term) albums again and again. And now it ends with them buried under the cloud of their most recent guitarist being arrested and charged with possession of child pornography. Yes, the story of Manowar is flaming garbage at every turn, matched only by their music's descent into unlistenable noise.

I thought that had culminated with their last album, which was one of the worst sounding records I have ever come across. Joey DeMaio's bass cut through the mix like a rusty chainsaw, turning the already weak songs into a buzzing assault on the ears that any novice would be ashamed to have put out into the world, let alone a thirty year veteran who owns his own studio. If that record was indicative of their facilities, it should have gone out of business.

That brings us to this new EP, which is a complete insult to the fans who have allowed Manowar to be a thing all these years. Let's dispel any notion of this being good, because it isn't. On every level, this is a release the band should have been ashamed to put out.

We'll start with the elephant in the room. The press release trumpeting this EP, the first of three that will make up a full record, has precisely zero mentions of who is playing guitar for the band. Considering the legal jeopardy of their most recent player, one would think Manowar would be eager to make sure people know they aren't supporting child exploitation by buying or streaming this new music. But that's not where Manowar went, because these songs lead me to believe that bassist Joey DeMaio likely played guitar himself on these tracks.... and he is not a guitar player. Not only does the tone sound like a beginner's first practice amp, but the 'riffs' are so remarkably simple anyone who has played guitar for more than a few weeks would be able to master them.

The other big flaw is the closing "You Shall Die Before I Die", the title of which sounds to me like the band trying out medieval playground insults. That song drags on for six minutes, featuring Joey DeMaio's raspy spoken word vocals, as he tries to sound epic, but actually just sounds like a guy with a sore throat calling into the next room for someone to bring him a lozenge. It isn't musical, it isn't interesting, and it's a waste of time on what is already a short EP. Not to mention that the first track is two minutes of scene-setting, so what we really get here are just two 'real' songs, both of which are slow, plodding numbers that don't have any power or majesty.

I'm left shaking my head. I don't understand why this EP exists. There are only two real songs, neither one of them is good, and they put both of the most boring parts of a concept album (the intro and the narrative) on here. Maybe they would be ok if they were buried amid eight more decent tracks, but this is what they've chosen to put out to generate excitement for the next two. Is this a case of them needing the money from the sales of this to finish the other EPs? Or maybe it's an experiment to see how little effort they have to put into their music to get their fans to still buy it?

Whatever the case, Manowar is now the Black Knight from the Monty Python movie. They have been hacked to pieces by their own deeds, yet they insist they are still strong and powerful, and will continue to rock the world. Like hell they will. Manowar can't even rock the local Bass Pro Shops. Trust me, I know.

"The Final Battle" had better be just that, because I don't know if I've ever heard a better argument in favor of forced retirement.