Not Mended, Still "Torn, After Twenty Five Years

Mariah Carey had told us "it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby." In 1997, I didn't really have fantasies. I was turning fourteen, and my mind had not made the shift into hormonal overdrive. I was aware of fantasy novels and movies, although they were a genre I would never get into, but the idea of a lustful fantasy was something I was not at all thinking about.

Watching MTV, a video came on that changed all of that. I heard the pulsating strums of an acoustic guitar, and then Natalie Imbruglia's breathy voice filled my ears. I would see that video countless times in the following weeks and months, and when she sang about "lying naked on the floor", I think I finally understood what the talk about fantasies was really all about.

When people talk about the sex appeal of music, they are usually talking about funk or soul, the kind of music that sounds like the sweaty aftermath of what, to paraphrase Elvis Costello, would be 'rhythmic admiration' for another person. We all know what is usually understood to be sexual music, and that is certainly not what this version of "Torn" is.

We do not all share the same experience, however, as we can hear the same thing in ways others will never be able to understand. When I listen to "Torn", I hear the embodiment of what I consider sex appeal. To me, "Torn" is one of the sexiest songs ever recorded, and no, that's not just because of the reference to nudity. That image can only accomplish so much on its own.

Natalie's voice has the airy quality of the shallow breaths that come from the first touch. They are restrained, almost coy, but aching with passion if you listen close enough. It is not the sound of an experience assholes will run to their friends to brag about, but rather the kind you hold close to your heart, because it represents something more than a mere release. Lust burns bright and burns out, but what "Torn" feels like is a sensation that runs down your nerves and never leaves. It will tingle every time you touch your fingers together, remembering the way skin feels on skin.

Of course I'm being overly dramatic, but only to make a point. I know "Torn" is not a sex song in any way, but my experience with it is different than probably everyone else's. Hearing her voice singing those words awakened something in me, and set a blueprint for my taste that has carried over through the years, even if I didn't realize it until I found myself writing these words. The breathy quality of her voice is something I find myself falling for with regularity, and her 90s slacker look in the video, complete with the short haircut, showed me I was not then, and never would be, a fan of the more traditional pop star image.

It's been twenty-five years since "Torn" was released, and I get the same electricity hearing it now, I find myself biting my lip the same way as the song reaches its climax. Other people have come along who captured my attention, and who better defined the idea of a fantasy, but they can never replace the first. Every other song that has had that kind of effect on me is living in the shadow of "Torn", because that song is the one that highlighted the path on the map, that told me there was somewhere I wanted to go.

None of this matters to anyone but me, and it might not even do that. In life, we trace pieces of ourselves back along the bread crumbs the past left us, and along the way we see the changes in ourselves, and we can hear in the background the music we distracted ourselves with at every step. When I follow this thread, it winds up being 'torn' from the very fabric of my taste.

It's interesting, odd, and maybe even a bit pathetic.

So it's perfect for me.