It was ten years ago that Dilana released "Beautiful Monster", a record that reset my clock. There aren't too many moments in our lives when we feel like everything changed, those watershed moments where the flood wiped clean the landscape so a new reality could blossom. This record was one of those experiences for me, and it's difficult to think it has been ten years, because some days it feels as fresh as the first time I heard it, and other days it feels like it has always been a part of me. Maybe time is actually a mobius strip, and Dilana's voice is the glue holding the loop together.
I like that metaphor.
In recent years, I have found myself pining for music I can make an emotional connection with. That stems from hearing this record ten years ago, because it was Dilana who made me remember I could in fact feel. I would often tell people I didn't feel things, that my emotions didn't work properly, and then I heard these songs. Dilana's soul pours through every note she sings, and the music sits back and lets her take the entire spotlight. We can hear every nuance of her performances, and as I said back then, it's as if her voice is resonating at the frequency of my soul. I had already loved "Inside Out", but I was not expecting what this record did to me, nor was I ready for it.
It can be easy to mistake volume for passion. We heard singers belting at their limits, and we commend them for everything they're putting into their performance. What is more difficult is to bare the pain of your soul while singing in an intimate volume that brings people closer. That is Dilana's most amazing skill, and it is on full display through this entire record. The weariness in her voice as she whispers the opening lines of "Tears" is a depression I know well, and it is the soft caress that opens my heart for when she finally releases everything in the massive rumble of her voice. No one else has ever done that to me.
The record's genius is most evident on "Falling Apart". I have called it my favorite song of all time, which is mostly for the rocking version on "Inside Out". This version strips away all the volume, and all the distortion, and instead places all the grit and dirt of life into her lyric and voice. By the time she sings, "I'm so bloody fucked up", it's as if I know her and she knows me. She is putting to tape what I would be saying for myself, if I had any of the talent to do so.
I could pick out moments like that and individual lyrics from every song, but "Beautiful Monster" is one of those records I like to think about in whole. The impact it makes is emotional, and amplifies as the record unfolds with one searing song after another. Dilana makes my soul bleed, then cuts the wound open again before it fully heals. The record might hurt a bit to listen to, but it hurts in the way of knowing we have all gone through these times of pain. Sad as that might be, the record's joy is in knowing she has made it to the other side, and these songs are the bridge she used to get there. Perhaps listening to them, we can join her.
This record is special, but not just because of how it opened my eyes to a side of myself I didn't think existed. No, this record is also special because it changed my life. It was writing about everything the music meant to me, and sending those words to Dilana, that opened the door to an experience that has meant more than my words can ever express. Those sorts of events only come around a handful of times in our lives, and I'm fortunate to have this record to remind me of that whenever I need it.
It has been ten years since I first heard "Beautiful Monster", and I'm a different person because of it. Sometimes, I feel like I never was that other person, and other times I still feel like these emotions are brand new.
I hope I never lose that feeling. I don't think Dilana will let me.
No comments:
Post a Comment