Singles Roundup: Miley Cyrus, Ghost, & Volbeat

It's been a while, so let's see what bite-sized stories we have to tell.

Miley Cyrus - Something Beautiful

I'm already concerned by the phrase 'visual album' being thrown around, because the idea that the music needs a visual component does not bode well. That is borne true with this first song, which takes the basic sonic template of "Flowers", and slows it to an absolute crawl. Miley's voice has plenty of room for her tone to shine, but the melodic component of the song is rather lacking. The music has hints of jazz, but mostly serves as background sound that does little to stand out. That puts the emphasis on Miley, which is fine, except for the fact that she doesn't have anything interesting to sing.

She croons her way through the song, showing that perhaps she could be a chanteuse if the fancy struck her, but better material will be needed. Her last album featured a couple of tracks that could fit into the category of 'torch song', which were exceptional. I wished she would have made the entire album in that mold, because it would have been a contender to be one of the best of the year. Perhaps I was wrong, because expanding beyond those couple of songs appears to show they were a fluke of time and happenstance.

I will not be holding out hope that this record is going to be the one that makes Miley into a great artist. This song tells me we are probably looking at another case of someone who thinks that making 'mature' music means stripping away everything engaging.

Ghost - Satanized

The last Ghost album was controversial for the singles being the worst Ghost songs to date. While the good songs were still good, I couldn't call it a good album due to just how bad "Twenties" was. So to say I'm wary of Ghost's inconsistency is an understatement. The first taste of their upcoming album is not giving me much more reason to have faith. While it is better than that song, it doesn't have the best elements of Ghost. Both the music and the melodies are rather jagged, with the start-stop bits feeling awkward in how they are randomly integrated. The one bit of melody at the end of the chorus is nice, but by that point it isn't enough. The section that is supposed to be our big refrain starts out not standing out at all, so the chorus is over by the time we realize it has even hit.

What I'm sure of is that the record will have a handful of trademark Ghost songs that give me all the melody and pop hooks I could ask for. Why those songs are being shunted aside for their weaker efforts as singles is something I don't quite understand. The huge swell that "Dance Macabre" or "Square Hammer" gave the band feel like a lifetime ago, and the band is now treading water because they don't need to grow anymore. That's sad.

Volbeat - By A Monster's Hand

I already got in trouble in another forum for discussing my thoughts on this song, but here goes; the new Volbeat single is good, but defies a basic tenet of good songwriting. There's a solid groove and a decent hook through the first half of the song. Everything is going fine, and then the song suddenly shifts feel and tempo for the solo, only to shift right back for a final chorus. Why? The impression it gives is that they had random ideas sitting around, and stuck these together because they were all that was left. What should have been done is to either slow the thrashy riff down so the tempo didn't shift, or bump up the tempo of the final chorus so the entirety of the song sped to the finish. In either case, the logic of the songwriting would work. As it stands, we're left with a track that sounds stitched together, that veers from one thing to another without giving us reason or context.

But apparently I'm pedantic and too cerebral, so pardon fucking me for not swallowing whatever music gets thrown at us.

Album Review: The Darkness - Dreams On Toast

Here's a sentence I never thought I would write:

The Darkness' new album features a song about trying not to shart on your significant other during sex.

I could stop talking right now, and you would have a full picture of just how awful The Darkness have become. I'm in a bad mood, though, so let's carry on. Last year, I thought quite a bit about the (personal) legacy of "I Believe In a Thing Called Love", where one of the things I noted was that The Darkness is one of those bands that makes me question why I ever liked them at all. "Permission To Land" is a fluke of an album, the one moment in their history where their stupidity did not land the punch with enough force to piss me off.

Ever since, they have gone through breakups and rehab stints, only to come back with more terrible 'humor' that mocks the very idea that they were a mocking band. The tongue-in-cheek love for classic rock they showcased on their debut became terrible slapstick, as limp and flaccid as the genital reaction to the stereotypical British teeth. That's a cheap shot, but we're talking about The Darkness here. I can't exactly go low enough to express the inanity of listening to them continue to be idiots for the third straight decade.

Back to the point; writing a song about farting (dear lord, I hope it was only farting) on your lover is not funny. Or, it's certainly not funny the way Justin Hawkins writes and sings it. Rather, it's a moment in time that makes me glad physical media is not easy to get a hold of, because I would be tempted to snap the CD in half and use it to draw blood and remind myself I'm not dead and in Hell yet. As if that isn't enough, it's also a lousy pastiche of a country song with a lifeless melody, so it's not even an annoying earworm. It makes you cringe, and then disappears... much like the aforementioned fart.

That is by far the worst song I've heard this year, but it is not alone. The Darkness long ago lost their ability to have fun, despite turning everything into a joke. The music is no longer rocking, no longer catchy, and requires the equivalent of toothpicks holding your eyes open to get through. They fail as comedians, and they fail as a rock band. In that way, they're exactly like Spinal Tap. As an aside, I'll use this as an excuse to give a hearty "fuck no" to the upcoming Spinal Tap sequel. It is not only too late, and wholly unnecessary, but no joke they could write will ever be as funny as treating Spinal Tap as a real band over the last forty years. Maximum absurdity was already reached.

Unfortunately, The Darkness treat it as a blueprint, not a cautionary tale.

The album gives us an opening track called "Rock And Roll Party Cowboy", which just so happens to not be rock and roll, nor a party. It is a song as weak, pointless, and forgettable as I have ever heard. In fact, the only thing I remembered about it between its release as a single and writing these words right now is that I hated it. That is apropos, as the very next song is called "I Hate Myself", which is what I said to myself as I listened to more of this album. The Darkness has long thought of themselves in terms of being Queen, but they lack everything Queen ever had; songwriting chops, a vocalist who doesn't elicit snickering when he opens his mouth, charm, etc.

I will sum it up thusly; The Darkness is not a good thing anymore, but the darkness is, because in the latter you can't find the button you have to click to listen to this album.

And just for the record, given how much I hated this experience, let me say this; I hope the story in that song is indeed true. The Darkness literally shitting the bed is too apropos to consider it a metaphor. We deserve this win, right?