The Darkness' new album features a song about trying not to shart on your significant other during sex.
I could stop talking right now, and you would have a full picture of just how awful The Darkness have become. I'm in a bad mood, though, so let's carry on. Last year, I thought quite a bit about the (personal) legacy of "I Believe In a Thing Called Love", where one of the things I noted was that The Darkness is one of those bands that makes me question why I ever liked them at all. "Permission To Land" is a fluke of an album, the one moment in their history where their stupidity did not land the punch with enough force to piss me off.
Ever since, they have gone through breakups and rehab stints, only to come back with more terrible 'humor' that mocks the very idea that they were a mocking band. The tongue-in-cheek love for classic rock they showcased on their debut became terrible slapstick, as limp and flaccid as the genital reaction to the stereotypical British teeth. That's a cheap shot, but we're talking about The Darkness here. I can't exactly go low enough to express the inanity of listening to them continue to be idiots for the third straight decade.
Back to the point; writing a song about farting (dear lord, I hope it was only farting) on your lover is not funny. Or, it's certainly not funny the way Justin Hawkins writes and sings it. Rather, it's a moment in time that makes me glad physical media is not easy to get a hold of, because I would be tempted to snap the CD in half and use it to draw blood and remind myself I'm not dead and in Hell yet. As if that isn't enough, it's also a lousy pastiche of a country song with a lifeless melody, so it's not even an annoying earworm. It makes you cringe, and then disappears... much like the aforementioned fart.
That is by far the worst song I've heard this year, but it is not alone. The Darkness long ago lost their ability to have fun, despite turning everything into a joke. The music is no longer rocking, no longer catchy, and requires the equivalent of toothpicks holding your eyes open to get through. They fail as comedians, and they fail as a rock band. In that way, they're exactly like Spinal Tap. As an aside, I'll use this as an excuse to give a hearty "fuck no" to the upcoming Spinal Tap sequel. It is not only too late, and wholly unnecessary, but no joke they could write will ever be as funny as treating Spinal Tap as a real band over the last forty years. Maximum absurdity was already reached.
Unfortunately, The Darkness treat it as a blueprint, not a cautionary tale.
The album gives us an opening track called "Rock And Roll Party Cowboy", which just so happens to not be rock and roll, nor a party. It is a song as weak, pointless, and forgettable as I have ever heard. In fact, the only thing I remembered about it between its release as a single and writing these words right now is that I hated it. That is apropos, as the very next song is called "I Hate Myself", which is what I said to myself as I listened to more of this album. The Darkness has long thought of themselves in terms of being Queen, but they lack everything Queen ever had; songwriting chops, a vocalist who doesn't elicit snickering when he opens his mouth, charm, etc.
I will sum it up thusly; The Darkness is not a good thing anymore, but the darkness is, because in the latter you can't find the button you have to click to listen to this album.
And just for the record, given how much I hated this experience, let me say this; I hope the story in that song is indeed true. The Darkness literally shitting the bed is too apropos to consider it a metaphor. We deserve this win, right?
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