As we approach the end of the year, we always take the time to go back and highlight what was great about these last twelve months. We do so to give praise to the albums that ave us listening pleasure, but also to try to make sure others don't miss out on what we thought made the year so great. There is another side to the equation, though. Every year also gives unto us a host of records that are either outright terrible, or disappoint us in ways that hurt just as much. Those are the albums we talk about today, divided into those two categories.
Let's get started.
The Worst Albums:
1. Machine Head - Catharsis
This was one of the first albums I heard this year, and it made me fear for how awful the remainder could possibly be. Over the course of twelve months, nothing could dislodge this from its 'perch'. The combination of nu-metal, rapping, and lyrics complaining about the long lines as Disney World are the stuff of my nightmares. Men in their fifties should be self-aware enough to not put out a record as immature as a teenager, but Machine Head always lives down to the lowest common denominator.
2. Ministry - Amerikkkant
This album is supposed to exist as a statement about the current political climate, but there are two problems with that; 1) Al Jourgenson cannot be taken seriously, and 2) This album is god-awful. Al throws together whatever random samples he can find, throws terrible industrial 'beats' over them, and delivers a vocal performance that is either an application to AA, or an indictment of its failures. Is this worse than Machine Head? Actually, yes, it is more unlistenable. But considering I knew it would be terrible, while Machine Head's implosion was slightly more surprising, we grade on a curve.
3. Daughtry - Cage To Rattle
I love the first two Daughtry records. Yes, they are formulaic radio rock, but they are also packed with great songs. Along the way, Daughtry has fallen victim to the de-rocking of mainstream rock, as this is his second consecutive album that is not rocking in the slightest. This flaccid album barely has guitars at all, and Daughtry's once mighty voice is quieted to singing lullabyes and generic trash. He has gone from a record Slash guested on to one now that Elmo could easily appear on. Farewell, Daughtry, you are officially forgotten.
4. Ashes Of Ares - Well Of Souls
I have never understood the appeal of Matt Barlow's voice, but I understand he has a certain stature in the metal community. What I don't understand is how any of those fans can excuse this record. With this effort, Barlow stains his reputation, giving us an album that not only is devoid of a single memorable melody, but exposes his voice as a worn and beaten instrument. He sounds like a shell of himself in the softer moments, so he is forced to spend the majority of the poorly-produced record either shrieking or half-growling. It makes for a record that has little appeal other than the name behind it. That isn't nearly enough to keep it from being one of the most tedious expriences of the year.
5. Fall Out Boy - Mania
Fall Out Boy, like Weezer, has been stuck in a terrible rut for a long time. Ever since coming back from their hiatus, they have borne little resemblence to the group I used to like. For this record, they go even further, bringing in more electronic bleeps and bloops than ever, while also rocking like Pat Boone in red leather. "Young & Menace" is the worst offender, and probably the worst song of the year, but much of the album is the same worthless pandering to a generation that doesn't even know Fall Out Boy is a Simpsons reference. It is the soundtrack to an emo who can't muster a tear to stain their eyeliner.
The Most Disappointing Albums:
1. Elvis Costello - Look Now
Elvis Costello is one of my musical heroes. That said, he also makes a lot of records I don't like at all. This isn't that bad, but the run of singles pointed to this being his grand return as pop's great jukebox. Instead, those three tracks are the best ones, and the only ones with any energy or snap. Much of this record is Elvis playing slow ballads, telling stories about characters instead of writing hooks and melodies the way he used to. I was by no means expecting a classic from a guy who was supposedly retired from the studio, but he got my hopes up with a few great tracks to drop the anvil on my head. I am Wile E Coyote, and "Look Now" is my ACME.
2. Michael Schenker Fest - Resurrection
The last few times I've heard Michael Schenker records, they have all been the same. When someone says they don't listen to any music but their own, there is little choice but for everything to begin to blend together. This record, though, is a special kind of disappointing. He brings in four singers to chronicle his history, so one of them must be able to get some good songs out of him, right? No. Three of the singers voices are in rough shape, and the fourth has never written a song that wasn't some degree of boring. Rough and boring describes this album well.
3. Dream Child - Until Death Do We Meet Again
All the members of Dio's band have been taking turns desecrating his legacy by teaming up to put out albums that prey on our memories, without ever being as good as even Dio's worst records. This is another one, highlighted by having one of the best Dio clone singers in the world. It sounds for all the world like a continuation of "Master Of The Moon", but the cynicism is what makes it so disappointing. Rather than try to prove they have worth of their own, they spend an hour aping every trick Dio ever used. It is shamelessly ripping off the man they claim to love, and it insults his legacy by watering down his catalog with this weak copy.
4. Black Label Society - Grimmest Hits
Zakk Wylde's 2016 solo album was my favorite record of that year. I have never liked Black Label Society, but I foolishly thought some of that songwriting might creep into his main gig. It did in the ballads, but the bulk of this album is still the same one-riff, Ozzy aping bro metal that Zakk has been peddling for decades. Zakk has never understood that his voice simply doesn't work for heavy metal. He sounds terrible straining to be heard over the guitars, and his beliefs about what metal are boil everything down to sound filtered through an image.
5. Seventh Wonder - Tiara
Unlike the other albums on this list, "Tiara" is actually good. The problem is that Seventh Wonder's previosu two albums were both excellent, albeit very different. After eight years of absence, putting out a good album that pales in comparison to both of them is disappointing. I expected them to return with extra fire, with a host of new ideas that sound like eight years of work poured into an album. Instead, we get a recycling of what they have always been, which is fine, but it doesn't feel like what a progressive metal band should be capable of. If this came out five years ago, it would have been perfectly acceptable. With almost a decade of anticipation, it can't live up to their own standard, adjusted for inflation.
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