Album Review: Witchcraft - Black Metal

Words matter. I don't know why I seem to have to keep saying this, but we have language for a reason. If you're going to piss on it by twisting the words into things they aren't, I'm not sure why I should bother giving you the time of day. Case in point; Witchcraft here is giving us an album titled black metal. First of all, Witchcraft isn't a black metal band, they're doomy vintage rock band. Secondly, even if they were black metal, this particular album is an acoustic affair, so it wouldn't be metal anyway. Giving it this title is probably meant to be some kind of joke, but it's stupid. When I see this album, I immediately am struck by the thought that Witchcraft is lying to us for some reason. That's not a good way to start a relationship.

Neither was the leadoff track, and first single, "Elegantly Expressed Depression". It's a turgid song that is slow out of the gates, depressing in the bad way, and features vocals with an uncomfortable distortion on the recording. There's barely a tune to the song, other than the boring picked guitar part, and for five minutes I'm wondering how ugly Magnus' depression might be if this is the 'elegant' version of it.

Look, this has happened a lot of times. People who don't usually play acoustic instruments have an idea in their head that acoustic music means slow and boring. It doesn't, and all it does is expose the limitations of the people who try and fail to expand their horizons. With these songs, Witchcraft wastes all of our time with a batch of songs that have not a single compelling idea in the lot. Guitar parts might as well not exist, and the vocal melodies are sad warbling that will never stick in your head, even if they bring their own hot glue gun. To put it in the goth terms this album seems intent on, imagine trying to put eyeliner on wet plastic. It's going to run right off and stain everything an ugly shade of semi-black. That's this album.

I hate black metal, but by the time this record ended, I would have preferred the genre shift, because at least black metal wouldn't make me feel like I was dead. There is languid music, and then there is music without a pulse, and this definitely falls on the latter side. It so slow and lifeless I can't wrap my head around how I'm supposed to enjoy it. Every song follows the same pattern, each as boring as the next. This is an album you have to listen to when lost in your thoughts, because at least that way you can't hear it.

Yes, I'm being harsh on this album, but that's because it's right in my wheelhouse. I'm also a musician, and I write and play primarily on an acoustic guitar. I would be embarrassed to have penned any of these songs, let alone felt proud enough to release them. This is an insult to the acoustic guitar as a songwriting tool, because these aren't songs. They're a man whining for five minutes at a time, with a couple of notes in the background to make him feel artistic. There is no craft to this music, nothing I can identify as deft songwriting.

If you want to waste half an hour feeling miserable, listen to this record. If you're a human being, avoid it. Please don't encourage him, or anyone else, to make more records like this.