Ranking Meat Loaf's Albums

I know what the numbers say, but it doesn't feel like I've been listening to Meat Loaf for thirty years. Ok, it actually does, since my memory of music doesn't go much further back than when I discovered the immortal Mr Loaf. The point is that Meat Loaf's music is rather timeless to me, so counting the years makes me feel older than any effect it might have on the music. Meat has been the constant in my life, no matter what I've gone through.

Not all Meat Loaf is good Meat Loaf, though, so today I'm going to put the records in order. My thoughts have been changing, even in recent days, so for my own sake I want to see exactly how Meat's music sorts out.

1. Bat Out Of Hell

I've spent these thirty years waffling on the question of which album is at the top. It pains me to write the list this way, since the sequel means more to me, but I can't deny which one I replay more often. There's something about how compact the epicness is on this record (I know that doesn't make sense), and those few moments that echo through time in a way nothing else Meat or Steinman would ever achieve. The 'wolf with the red roses' speech, the motorcycle guitar solo, Meat pleading for the end of time to arrive; those are moments caught so deep in the folds of my brain, no amount of time will ever shake them loose.

2. Bat Out Of Hell II (Back Into Hell)

What kind of weirdo was I that this was the first album I ever owned? The same kind of weirdo who still loves nothing more than telling people how obvious the 'that' Meat wouldn't do for love actually is. I've said more times than I can count how I trace back large portions of my personality to Meat and Steinman's music, and this is where it all started for me. While I was more of a Laurel & Hardy guy, compared to Steinman's Three Stooges reference, no record has ever been overblown enough to fill my empty husk the way this one did. It still does, even if it's more for special occasions these days.

3. Dead Ringer

It's no surprise the three albums penned by Steinman are at the top of the list. This one wasn't for the longest time, but discovering how wrong I was has been a wonderful way to recapture the flame of being a fan. This album has one of the few times I can stomach Cher, Steinman at his most musical theater, and the coda to "I'll Kill You If You Don't Come Back" is one of my favorite bits from all of these records. The line about homecoming queens "looking for magic in gymnasium lights" is evocative, and reminds me how different the experience was for me when I found myself staring dead-eyed into the ceiling lights on a certain night.

4. Couldn't Have Said It Better

How good is this record? Well, it's certainly a little flawed at the end, but the core of the record is so strong it more than makes up for the fact Meat sings a love/sex ballad with his own daughter. He was never an intellectual powerhouse, but that decision always makes me wonder if Meat ever paid any attention to what the lyrics said, despite his claims of being an 'actor' performing them. Anyway, this has some truly wonderful faux-Steinman songs that are the most fun I have with Meat.

5. Welcome To The Neighborhood

The two Steinman songs here are classics I prefer to the other versions that have been recorded, and perhaps Steinman's best line is found here. "There are no lies on your body, so take off your dress. I just want to get at the truth" is one of those things I wish I had written. But it goes beyond that, as Dianne Warren was the next best thing, and provided the best non-Steinman song Meat ever sang in the form of "I'd Lie For You (And That's The Truth)". That one has killed me ever since the first time I heard it. Ah, nostalgia.

6. Bat Out Of Hell III (The Monster Is Loose)

This has always been a weird one, because the half of the record not written by Steinman is better than the half he did. I love the facsimile, and there were still enough Steinman songs left to round things out. This would have been a fitting way to end his career, but things rarely work out so well. Meat finally getting around to recording "Bad For Good" should have been all the symbolism we needed.

7. Bad Attitude

The 80s were a bad decade for Meat, which we'll get to in a bit. The one bright spot was this record, where somehow Meat was able to find the songs to make a legitimately good record. It doesn't sound like the Meat we've come to know, but it was a different sound for a different time. Roger Daultry is utterly useless as a duet partner on the title track, but songs like "Cheating In Your Dreams" are wonderful, and work with the two excellent Steinman songs to give us both a reason to have not given up on Meat, but also a reason to hate what else he was doing at the time even more.

8. Hang Cool Teddy Bear

"I can barely fit my dick in my pants" is the worst lyric Meat ever sang, and the idea of him doing a record with writing contributions from The Darkness and an American Idol judge sounds so, so bad. For a long time I thought it was, although I've come to realize this record is actually trying to recapture what "Bad Attitude" had. It never quite does that, but there is charm to the Bon Jovi penned "Elvis In Vegas", and I can't help but laugh every time I think of how pathetically sad the pun is if you slur the title "Let's Be In Love" enough. Thanks, Britney, for the idea! Still, the bonus track "Prize Fight Lover" gave us the last essential Meat Loaf song.

9. Hell In A Handbasket

Not much to say about this one, other than it has decent cover art, and the opening song is good. It's forgettable otherwise, which wasn't as bad as things would get.

10. Blind Before I Stop/Midnight At The Lost & Found

The other 80s records are truly awful. Meat could barely sing at this point, and he couldn't afford to hire good songwriters. These records are the reason people thought his career was dead when "Bat II" shocked the world. These records would kill anyone's career, and there's no way in hell I will ever be enough of a collector to want to own these things. I won't even re-listen to them to rank which one I hate more.

11. Braver Than We Are

But the absolute nadir of Meat's career was his last record, which still depresses me. He wanted to go out with one more album penned by Steinman, but there just weren't enough songs left to do it. Steinman wasn't that prolific, and he recycled parts so much, Meat was reaching for scraps from musicals he wrote in the 70s. The songs aren't very good, but the problem is that Meat's voice was shot at this point. He sounded like he was already dead, but at least a corpse can't sing, which would have been preferable. I try to push this record's existence out of my head, but every so often I remember it, and I feel angry all over again. It would have been far braver to admit he couldn't do it anymore, and just retire with grace. Thank heavens we never did have to hear him croak through "What Part Of My Boy Hurts The Most", even if it's sort of the white whale of being a Meat Loaf fan.